Thousands of years ago, over a long (and pretty uneventful) period of time, humanity evolved from lone hunters and gatherers, to hunting in packs, to a society we all desperately wanted to be a part of, mainly for ‘staying-alive’ reasons.
Humans worked out that in order to survive for longer, working together and being protected in a group was the way to go. This meant we developed an innate fear of rejection as we knew our very lives depended on being liked and accepted by the group we lived with. Alas, this fear of rejection remains today and instead of being useful, it’s started to be a bit of a pain.
I’m fairly certain if I fell out with my friends during secondary school I wouldn’t have found myself cold and hungry and attacked by a wild creature. Did it feel just as terrifying though? Absolutely! (Worse in fact, I could argue). Our innate features such as this and our flight/fight response have never adapted to the world around us, as the brain isn't actually aware that we are now animals who attend school with scary people judging us on our spotty complexions instead of living in the wilderness being judged on our ability to carry firewood. (Also why we have panic attacks and want to run away when buying bread in Tesco - see my blog about anxiety).
When humanity evolved from staying alone to being in packs, and groups became bigger and bigger, society became much less easy to organise. Therefore, religion became used as a way of getting lots of people to follow the same set of rules and beliefs, thus keeping us all under some kind of control. Society introduced unspoken rules that meant you were accepted or not (and then onto actual laws of course but that's a different story). Those unspoken rules became real, tangible directions shared and copied around the world.
Here's the kicker. It's all made up!
That’s right, when earth was first formed, no one said humans have to wear certain clothes or listen to certain bands or say certain things to fit in. You just needed to be strong and fit or be able to bare children. Someone at some point just randomly decided that actually it was better if you wore your hair in a certain style and because everyone was already of the mindset that fitting in was safer, they began to conform and copy said hair styles. It wasn't really questioned and people generally just carried it on. Even funnier, is that these rules and directions that were all made up, don't even stay the same. In fact they change all the time! Just look at fashion and how it's changed throughout history. Women used to be outcast if they showed any skin and today, if you cover up it's seen as undesirable. Even small changes happen every few years. (I'm sorry, I'm not getting rid of my skinny jeans, I'm just not). So if we were born 100 years ago, what was deemed necessary in order to appear normal, isn't even what is normal today, making it even more obvious that it's actually just a load of twaddle!
Being liked and accepted is no longer necessary in order to stay alive, but for many many people, it's definitely become necessary in order to be happy.
But whhhhhhy?
Why do what everyone else does if you don’t want to?
Why follow the latest trends and do what’s generally expected?
Why wear muted colours if you want to wear bright ones?
Why have social media if you don’t like it?
Why follow societal norms such as getting married and buying a house if you would rather travel the world and stay single forever?
Why live your life according to the rules that others set for you if they don’t make you happy?
That innate fear of rejection is strong even today, and it’s in all of us. For some, it’s slightly annoying but for some, it’s crippling. As we've seen, it’s a completely natural human feeling but when you think about it, can you explain exactly why you want to be liked so much? Why it really matters if someone doesn’t like your outfit or laugh at your jokes, or even want to be your friend?What does weird even mean? To me it means different, in a way that feels threatening to someone who feels safer when people are predictable.
When I was training to be a Counsellor, we sat in a group and were encouraged to challenge each other. One of the other trainees looked directly at me and said “I just don’t like you Lauren.” This was at the end of four years of intensive studying, and if that had happened at the start, I swear I would have felt like the whole world was ending. Luckily, by that time I no longer felt that way.
My tutor asked me “do you want to know why she doesn't like you?”
I said “no, because I know I’m not a bad person, we are just different, so why should I change myself based on someone else's opinion of me?” The person simply nodded respectfully and we moved on. We were very different people and were never going to naturally be friends but that was okay.
That was an empowering moment for me and not one I would have been able to have when I was younger and less sure of who I am.
If you’re not hurting anyone, then really and truly who the hell cares how you decide to spend your limited time here on earth?
Yes society has certain laws and rules to keep us safe and we can’t just ignore them all. But when it comes down to the real core of who we are, nobody can dictate that for us.
You can be the nicest, kindest, sweetest person in the world and someone still won’t like you.
It doesn’t matter what you like, what you don’t like, what you wear, what tv shows you watch or what music you listen to. But it does matter that you are loved and accepted by the people around you. If your friends put you down for being different or weird, are they really your friends? If they choose to spend time with you, shouldn’t it be because they enjoy your company and choose it over someone else’s? That even if they don’t agree with everything you do and say, they know it doesn’t make you a bad person? Even if you make mistakes and questionable life choices (in their eyes), shouldn’t they allow you to find your own way and support you during the fall out?
Find people who love you and make you feel good about yourself and they will be your people.
Remember that in 100 years from today, the world will be filled with all new people.
Your clothes will be recycled, your possessions long gone, your car rusted over and your house sold and redecorated.
The actions you made in your life, the kind things you did for others, the life lessons you’ve passed on, the way you made people feel, will continue forever.
Lauren x